Yo. This is REALLY OLD. I wrote it in 1999 over on marychen.com. I kind of want to re-visit some parts of it… but here it is!
Section One: Dating and Open Season.
Rule One-One. Rules were made to be broken.
Rule One-Two. A friend shall be defined herein as another girl with whom you are acquainted and whom you would feel comfortable calling without an express reason. A girlfriend of a boy whom a girl is interested in pursuing and whom the girl has met and found to be personable and a clear adherent to the Girl Code of Honor shall also, for our purposes, be considered a friend.
A boyfriend shall herein be defined as any male or female romantic interest who has expressed reciprocal romantic interest in the girl party.
The term boy shall herein be used to describe any pursued party, male or female.
Involvement is defined as the time from which the first kiss to the time when one party officially declares his or her intent to see other people, and therefore includes any amount of time in that period during which both parties were exclusively dating each other.
Hooking up shall be defined as kissing, on the lips, for more than two seconds, or with parted lips. Hooking Up shall also include any expressly sexual touching, such as finger sucking, leg rubbing, or other nondescriptly sensuous touching, but shall not include hand-holding.
Open Season shall be defined as the state in which a boy may be approached, pursued and/or hooked up with, without reproach from any ex-girlfriend, including one who is also the pursuing party’s friend.
- I-3subA) If the boy in question makes sexual advances at the friend which are not unwelcome, she shall refrain from hooking up with said boy until 1.) the girlfriend has dumped said boyfriend and declared Open Season on him, or 2.) until the boyfriend has dumped the girlfriend and the girlfriend has had adequate time (at last one third of the total involvement time.)
to understand that their relationship was not in her best interest.
- I-3subB) Should this secondary relationship come to fruition, girlfriend number two is duly warned that the boyfriend is probably scum, and should erect any walls necessary to protect herself from his ravages.
- I-3subC) No girl shall ever, ever pursue, for romantic or sexual purposes, the Love of Her Friend’s Life.
Rule One-Four. A girl may not deny Open Season privileges to a girl whom she cannot consider a friend.
Rule One-Five. Open Season shall be declared on the boy, without the express permission of the ex-girlfriend, if:
- I-5subA) The boy has broken all contact with the girlfriend for at least one half of their total time of involvement, or, if their total time of involvement amounts to fewer than six months, the total time of involvement.
- I-5subB) The ex-girlfriend has found a newer, cuter, better boy but still wishes to maintain an irrational hold on her ex-boyfriend.
Rule One-Six. The right to deny Open Season shall not be granted
to any girl who:
- I-6subA) Cheated more than two times or with more than one party on the boyfriend before being “dumped.”
- I-6subB) Has aided in the infidelity of the boyfriend of the girl petitioning for Open Season in the past three years. (After both girls reach age thirty five, this number is increased to five.)
- I-6subC) Has aided in the infidelity of the petitioning party’s Love of Her Life.
Rule One-Seven. It is acceptable practice to ask the ex-girlfriend if she has indeed declared Open Season on an ex-boyfriend, however, such a feat should be executed with the utmost care and discretion.
Rule One-Eight. In a social situation in which more than three quarters of the parties are male, all girls involved should exchange names and, if prudent and comfortable, dating resumes, to insure against unsightly displays and/or misunderstandings.
Section Two: Declaring the Love of Your Life.
Rule Two-One. A boy may not be declared the Love of any girl’s life if he has never expressed an equal and reciprocal love for the declaring girl, though he does not need to declare the declaring party the Love of His Life.
Rule Two-Two. A boy may not be declared the Love of any girl’s life in retrospect if she treated him like shit the whole time they were going out. However, if she treated him fairly but merely did not realize at the time that he was indeed the Love of Her Life, she may declare him the Retrospective Love of Her Life, with the same rights
and privileges as a Regular Love of Her Life.
Rule Two-Three. No girl may have more than one Love of her Life at one time, though she may have both a boyfriend and Love of Her Life.
- II-3subA) Should any girl wish to declare a new Love of Her Life, she must first declare Open Season on the former Love of Her Life.
- II-3subB) Should a girl name two simultaneous Loves of Her Life, she forfeits her right to deny Open Season on either boy.
Section Three: Fashion.
Rule Three-One. No girl shall knowingly wear the same perfume as her friend on a night that they plan to be in the same place.
- III-1subA) A girl can declare a perfume her own if she started wearing it first.
- III-1subB) In cases of prevented conflict, the girl who can claim the perfume as her own has the primary right to wear it.
Rule Three-Two. No girl shall purchase a distinctive item of clothing which she is aware her friend owns without express permission from the friend.
Rule Three-Three. No girl shall borrow an item of clothing without asking the clothing owner’s permission, unless both parties have made an official decision to waive this rule in the context of their friendship.
Rule Three-Four. Borrowed items of clothing should be returned upon the next meeting of the borrower and lender. No item of clothing should be returned stained or smelling. Invisible and scentless soil shall not require laundering on the part of the borrower.
Section Four: Secrets
Rule Four-One. A secret shall be defined as any piece of information which the declaring party has expressly labeled as such, either before or after making the information known, or which both girls can infer would be harmful to the secret-keeping party should it become exposed.
Rule Four-Two. The penalty for exposing a secret to an unauthorized party shall be exile from Girlville.
Rule Four-Three. A girl who can substantially claim that she was not aware that a piece of information was a secret at the time she exposed it shall not be subject to punishment.
Rule Four-Four. Should a girl be privy to a secret from an outside party and she feels it would benefit her friend to know this secret as well, it is only her duty to tell the friend if:
- IV-4subA) she and the girl are at least one and a half times as emotionally close as she and the secret keeper.
- IV-4subB) the secret sheds light on an otherwise completely undetectable negative aspect of the Unknowing’s boyfriend.
Rule Four-Five. Should an unpleasant secret be revealed to a girl, she shall not blame the secret-exposer for the information contained in the secret.
Should any girl find reasonable fault with the definitions, rules, or guidelines expressed in this document, she is instructed to either lighten the fuck up or to comment below.